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Monday, January 5, 2009

feeling

Tonight I am getting ready for yet another IEP meeting. I have read until I can no longer comprehend the words on the page as I cram for this. We had an IEP meeting for Thunderous One before the Christmas break; he will have a load of new supports and responsibilities when school starts tomorrow.
Some times I feel like all we do are meetings. My Love commented that he feels like much of Eldest challenges are because we have spent so much time and energy on getting Thunderous one what he needs. I am very offended and defensive to that statement! I have been getting Eldest help for at least 9 years! Just in this town! When we first moved here I made calls walked all over town and researched everything, hammered on doors and insisted therapies be made available for HER.
We sought out fledgling therapies, new doctors, 'experimental' treatments. From sensory integration to social stories to therapy reading dogs to hypothereapy we have helped establish them all in this area.
We may not have led the long line of other families seeking help, but i don't think we followed very often.
i know he is only speaking out of guilt, we can help but blame ourselves some days for the challenges our kids face, but I KNOW we have done all we can every way we can for her.

i think one of the reasons I fear writing this blog is because i am afraid that people, many I know and love, will decide she is crazy.
It is agonizingly hard to watch your child deal with a mental illness, but to also never really be able to be true and open with others is even harder.
I worry that if i share the hallucinations she will be thought crazy.
I worry that i share the anxiety she will be thought silly.
i have a hard time
a very hard time
with the very real and deep stigma that mental illness has.
There is so much I want to share; so many others must be experiencing this too!
But I am having to fight the fear of judgment and reaction from those who know us.
Funny to hear from the woman who purposely wears unmatched socks just to aggravate others. :)


I had a very emotional thing happen at work a few days ago. I was just randomly chatting with a co worker as she took her break and I wiped down the tables. Somehow I mentioned Thunderous and Autism. She grabbed a book off of the new release self and asked if I had ever read it.
It was called Mother Warriors by Jenny McCarthy.


I hadn't.
I read the back, "Wow!" I said out loud, surprised, " I guess I really am a Mother Warrior!"
"I am too, how old is yours?"" a voice interrupted my thoughtful gazing at the book back. I look up and say a very tired but purposeful looking woman standing at my counter. We had a quick discussion as I made her drink about our boys. I loved that feeling of companionship we had shared so briefly.
I later sat down on a quick break when all was quite and read the first chapter... actually I think it was the forward... I couldn't make it to the end. I was crying so hard!
Where had this book been as I had fought so hard for my kids over the last 10 years!?
Where were these other mothers!?
Why if there are so many of us fighting, Why have I been so alone on my journey!?!


i really want to read this book, anything that touches me so deeply is worth it... I just have to wait a bit till I have the money.


1 comment:

Jessica G. said...

"Mother Warrior." I love the sound of that. And yes, it suits you and your fierce devotion to your kids.