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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Surrender

Do you ever feel like... "Okay that's it, I am done!" or "No MORE! I Surrender!" That is how I feel. What I find most perplexing is that it really doesn't seem that more then usually is happening... but I ended up crying in the school nurses office this morning. So I know... I am done. What I find most annoying is this... I could handle ALL of this at any other time.

Yesterday afternoon, Monster was complaining that her leg hurt. Now, as it was her night to do dishes, I was not exactly surprised. But, she seemed to be actually hurting. I don't mean dragging her leg across the room, or flopping down and moaning... She would interrupt her sentence about something she was talking about to hiss and grab her leg. Not ready to fully buy it I suggested a hot bath, because really, What thing that ails a woman is not improved by a hot bath?! She called me in during her bath to have me look at her toe, cuz 'it looks weird.' And yeah, It looked weird. It was swollen and angry looking and kinda icky. I told her I would look at it more when she got out of the bath, it looked like an ingrown toenail.
Not a big deal right?
It shouldn't have been...

BUT....

When she got out and I got a look at it, it was white where it was swollen, red where it wasn't swollen and it was oozing a green stinky puss.
She had cut her nails so short I couldn't get anything under the edge of the nail to try and get it out. It also hurt for her when I touched it. It felt a little hot, but it was hard to tell since she had had a hot bath. Did I mention the green oozing puss? It stunk... she had just gotten out of the bath and it STUNK. So, now I am stuck. She has what really appears to be an infection growing in her foot and is complaining about pain in her thigh. After some consideration (like the fact that we have no family doctor {a story in itself} or walk-in clinic in town) I decided to follow my first impulse and take her to the ER.
Yes, I know, what a waste of resources! Waste of money... that's not what ER's are for... all that kept gong thru my head just to remind me that I have no ability to cope at the moment.
It wasn't too bad. We walked in, they saw her right away as no one else needed help on a Tuesday night at 7:45pm.
She as always astonished the staff with how cool and calm and hard core tough she is.

The smelly green puss is a bad thing, in case you wondered. She had a nice infection setting itself up in her toe. They had to numb the toe and the doctor was worried about how a small little girl would react to it... so she called in help 'just in case'.
Imagine the doctors surprise when Monster really did not care that needles where being stuck in her toe. She had a completely indifferent calm attitude of "You do what you have to do, cuz that's your job. I'm just gonna sit here and watch TV." She didn't even move, she breathed when it stung and her eyes may have gotten a bite red, but she did not cry. The nurse and doctor where both amazed. I must be jaded, I would have been surprised if she did react. If it had been her brother there would have been big interns trying to hold him down and failing, but this was Monster... no worries.

This was kinda late for us. Our usual routine involves getting up at 4am and being in bed at 8pm, it was after 8pm. Monster told me her eyes were stinging and she was starting to not care that she got to watch TV (in her mind the best thing about the ER is you get to watch TV) she was cold and her and Rex wanted to go home and sleep. I agreed.

The Doctor made a big deal about checking to see if the toe was numb before going in and cleaning it up. I was getting too tired to watch & learn, and Monster just wanted them to stop interrupting the show and get on with it! She couldn't feel them and they just did not have to keep asking, she would tell them when it bothered her. So the doctor proceeded to lance the area drain the puss, cut out the dead skin and then cut the toenail so that it wasn't growing down anymore.
Monster did think it felt rather like chopsticks on the end of her toe but that was her only comment about the procedure. I am not sure if the doctor was disappointed or shocked when she turned to me after the chopstick comment and said, "This is were usually even the big men cry."
Yeah, well... They aren't as tough as Monster.

So ends our adventure at the hospital, they gave her chocolate milk as a reward for being the most incredible kid on the planet, wrapped her toe up in a big bandage, gave her antibiotics, and a note to get her out of P.E. the next day. That was a little tricky at first, the doc said no PE and Monster had to be sure the doc was sure about that... and then was a little sad when the doctor expanded it to include any rough actives on your feet, like jumping, hoping climbing, scrambling, moving in general...
We went home and slept. I was tired.

Next morning I have to call and let the bus know that I was driving the kids and they wouldn't be riding the bus to school. They get all annoyed if you do not call and do not ride the bus. hummm thinking about it they get all annoyed if you call cuz you missed the bus when it came by early too. Since I had to drive Monster to school I didn't see why I couldn't just drive all the kids, the schools are fairly close to each other.

I slowed the van down and told The Eldest to jump out as we went past her school, she did not find that funny. I did actually stop the van and let her out. But it was not inside the campus, apparently that is an insult to teenagers. Of course it is an insult if you drive them up to the doors as well.
Next stop was the Monster's school and last the Thunderous One's. I also had a plate of pancakes to drop off to My Love.
I was sure I had everything I needed...the note for the PE teacher, the medicine, the script from the doctor, a plunge syringe to give the medicine... so all I had to do was walk her in, explain her toe and give the medicine to the nurse... I Was Wrong.

I explained to the secretary what was going on and then we sent Monster to class with a hall pass and the letter for PE. She went to get the Health Tech.
The schools do not have a Nurse, there is one Licensed Nurse for the whole district and all the others are called Health Techs and they work under her license. At first they weren't even going to take the medicine and asked why I can't give it to her at home, I explained she has to take the medicine 4x a day, if it was only 3 times I would have no problem. As it was, she had to have a dose while at school.
So, then they said they had to have a doctors permission, I gave them the script... they didn't want to except it. I am not sure why but I was starting to get upset. It seemed that this was such a simple thing, I had everything they had asked for.... they decided it was what they needed after all, but then we hit an impasse.
We had only one bottle.
According to school policy they can not send the medication home with a child or except medication from a child. I was stumped. I did not have a second bottle, I could not get a second bottle. They suggested that maybe my mother could help and come give Monster her medication during the day...

AND THAT'S WHEN I STARTED TO CRY.

I told them I had no one and took the bottle back I thanked them for trying and tried to leave. I was trying so hard to not be upset, but I was. And I was so mad at myself because this is such a small thing! I have battled Dragons for crying out loud and I was reduced to tears because a health Tech had rules to follow. My tears and feelings baffled me, I could not understand why I felt so helpless and defeated. I never once blamed them, I have worked in service long enough that I understand people are not usually trying to be jerks, they have rules and guidelines that they have to follow and meet. I was so overwhelmed I didn't even think to ask them what they could do... I just gave up and cried, which is very not my style.
I felt stupid.

They did solve it and I am horrified that I cried... I am not going to share what they came up with as I do not know how far she was bending the rules for me and I do not want to get her in trouble.

So you see what sounds like a simple adventure with an infected toe isn't.
I have lost it.
I can take no more.
And I finally figured out why.
This month I have lost both of my best friends.
One moved to another state and I didn't even get to say good-bye and the other one died suddenly.
His death really hit me.
Her moving feels almost the same.

Before those losses I was barely hanging on from all the OTHER things that were happening, Eldest had another manic episode which led to her cutting again, Thunderous One decided he doesn't have to do any school work or chores because it is stupid and My Love and I had some relationship issues that we were trying desperately to solve, and my health took a nose dive.
Until they are not there you really REALLY do not know what a blessing Friends are.
Really Good Friends and BEST friends are even more precious and rare.


Maybe I should take my own advice and go for a long soak in a hot tub. I know what the real problem is... the problem is I do not have my best friends to talk to, no one to release the daily stresses. No one to make me laugh at myself or the troubles of daily life.
So, now what do I do?

Isn't that always the question we who are left behind are left with...
now what do i do?