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Friday, January 22, 2016

"You are going to blog." or RambleRambleRamble

How I came to that decision...

It's complicated. But really, what isn't? 
As I said in my last post I've been depressed. But that's not all. I have a great deal I am trying to sort through. Things that I need to figure out... big questions like: Am I crazy? Is It me? Stuff like that. 
Also, I noticed I am happier when I am writing. I don't get so stuck in my head or stuck in the cyberverse. There is so much more here to what started this thought but I can't seem to find the way to say it yet...

 So, yeah.... Like most modern humans in a first world country I am battling to heal my Mind, Body & Spirit.
I'm going to do the modern thing and put everything out there. But, by telling you both everything about who I am, but not telling you exactly who I am. Hopefully.

I have to figure out things and the only way to is to look at it from many points of view. It seems blogging fits that bill.
I think I stopped writing my blog out of fear. Fear of judgment I sometimes think.
But sometimes, it was more truly a fear of the consequences of my thoughts.

Because, when I write it is in that internal narrator voice ... You know... The one who's in charge of internal monologuing, snide comments, paranoia ... 
Or at least mine is... 

And I got side tracked. 
See... That's part of the problem... How can I trust my thoughts, my internal narrator, if she's always getting off the main focus?! How can I be sure that's what really happened and why I reacted the way I did?
Basically everything is so Jumbled in my head that I am not sure of anything. And the being unsure led me to fear and I stopped blogging... talking... But it is also completely natural because I have been so completely busy.
And as a dear friend is so fond of saying,"Stress does strange things."

So instead of trying to untangle the past I am going to move forward... See where these threads I've laid down can lead. Maybe see if i can adjust them to make the best future from Now that I can. 
Oh dear! That sounds frighteningly like Hope.
And if there is one thing I learned about Hope... She is a Badass Warrior!

*deep breath*

I am learning about focus right now, I think. So I will share with you what I learn.

One thought I had tonight was on making a Dream Board as a family so we can all share a focus on what we want our home to look like and then the thought expanded into adding a part for things we want to do as a family... A side thought being this might get the kids thinking about doing dream boards for their own life paths. 

Then the thought expanded into what would be the purpose behind this?
What was it doing?

I thought on that for a moment and found that at the very least we spend a little time together around the table as a family.

Then that thought expanded...At most we would make magic and change our Universe.

Learning to focus is hard. In comes in waves and layers. There are so many things that need focused on I can't even name the threads!  
Which then side tracks my thoughts to the goddesses of Fate. Funny, because I don't believe in just Fate. I am one who is sure we can see just enough of our pattern to change it or at least we can adjust it just enough. "Of course," the Fates might whisper, "that is what all the finest threads say." ... I'm arrogant like that. And that is what I intend to do.
I think that's what I shall write about as I figure this knot out. 
I'll start with the dream boards and how we do that...
1. Make a plan for family making dream board.

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