My Journey to The Grocery Store.

I decided if I didn't think too much about it maybe it wouldn't be as challenging,  that's what I'm told so often "You think too much." I quickly, with as little thought as to why I was doing it as I could manage, got ready for the day and put Dannie outside.

Then I decided to make a point of deviating from my typical pattern and parked so I could walk by the garden display out front. I watched as I neared and listened as I passed. One of the workers, who was watering the plants, suddenly exclaimed in surprise! She excitedly called out to the other worker that there was a big toad in the plants, and that made me smile. She called him "a big boy toad".

Inside there were two carts littered with the leaves of succulents and my Master Gardener brain reminded me that each of those leaves was a  potential plant... then my mind had a small battle..."is it stealing? You have terrible luck with succulents...."

The conflict was cut short when an older man came in and started to take one of the carts, my eyes fell on a plant dangling through the grid of his cart, it had roots. Before I knew it I was moving, saying "Excuse me a moment..." I reached in and scooped up the valiant little guy. The older gentleman stopped the cart apologizing,  dropping his pen from his shopping list into the cart, "Oh I'm so sorry! Did I take your cart?" He was so unaware of the plants I don't think he saw what I was reaching for. I'm not sure what I said to console him, but I handed him his pen after securing the foundling Baron Bold. 

I turned to the other cart and scooped out a mostly intake Moonstone and was securing them in my shopping bag (yes, I brought my own bag) when an employee stopped the poor gentleman again and quickly removed the rest of the leaf debris from his cart. 

I moved into the store and was instantly caught.  The flower department is directly to the right of the door and the pull was strong!  Directly to the left the path is blocked by a display  forcing you forward and right. I veered  as far left as I could and found myself engaged with the poor, clearly nervous, young employee that was tasked with standing by a table strewn with brochures about the store's delivery services. I asked the questions that were clearly answered by the signage next to them, just to hear the relief in their voice that this was something they knew and did not dread facing. After accepting the brochure I continued and found myself safely past the flowers, including the marked down orchids where I had to firmly remind myself I had only 20$ and I could eat or give an orchid a home, but I couldn't do both.

It was about then I realized I was talking to myself outloud.

Closing my mouth and smiling, I targeted in on the bakery. 

The ever-going thoughts ran down the differences between the bread aisle and the bakery, the differences in the definition of the items on each and I decided I did indeed want bread from the bakery. A loaf of wheat and half-loaf of cranberry chocolate artesian later I was exiting the bakery into the produce section. I was determined to go slow and look at people. Really look at them. It strikes me as odd how I was trained in observation and was once skilled, and now I suffer from a type of face blindness. I think it is one of those Trauma Imposed things, cuz “stress does strange things to the mind.” I want to see if I can start seeing people again. 

I’m not sure if there was an identifiable trigger, as my counselors are often asking me to look for so I might learn and grow. One moment I was doing what every average person in that store was doing, I was going about my task and looking at the people and products. I was somewhere in the meat department when I felt the Panic.  Suddenly, I was bombarded with the knowledge I was unprepared for this trip to the store: I did not have a list, I had not looked at my coupons… digital or physical, I did not have a meal plan, I didn't know where the peanut butter was!

I quickly pulled into a side aisle to address myself. Looking at me you would see nothing more than a woman frowning at her phone, “Never Show Weakness.” I’m becoming less and less good at this. I noted recently there has been an increase in the number of times a day people inquire if I am okay. Aside from those thoughts, which I pushed aside so I could deal with the Moment, I opened the store app and looked up peanut butter so I would not be Lost, calculated the cost of what was in my cart, and recalled I was only getting milk, peanut butter, bread and chocolate… the necessities. Everything else, including coupons and money savings, could take a back seat until I was out of the store and back to My Den, which is what I call my room.

I reset my Hunt, decided people could Fade again and set out. I recall being called some sort of sugary thing more then once… honey, sugar, sweety…and saying ‘excuse me’ several more times as I wove through the store. I found peanut butter was one aisle over from where I had sought refuge and talked myself out of a bag of chocolate chips in favor of peanut M&M’s… I wish they’d make dark chocolate covered peanut M&M’s. Soon I was free from the store and met the eyes of each person I passed as I went to my car. 

 I had the keys in my hand as soon as I left the store and returned the cart, opting to carry my small load, a gallon of milk in each hand, and bags over my shoulder. I feel a bit hypocritical for wondering what on earth could get the driver of a lifted truck a handicapped parking tag, watching to see the man who descended unaided and alone from the chest high truck after he had made sure the tag was hanging from his mirror. I noted the two older men talking next to the one of the pickups that I had parked between. I heard the words they were saying to each other, but they did not stick as I loaded my grocery bag, two gallons of milk, and purse into the car.

I had loaded the grocery bag carefully so as to not damage the poor beaten plants any farther than they had already endured. My next focus was going to be returning home, greeting Dannie, putting away my newly acquired supplies, and rehoming the succulents. Making little notes to myself, that I am prone to forgetting anyway, as I went… like needing to water all the outside potted plants, the wellhouse needed solar panels, who does that truck belong to? Ect.

At home I found a pot I had had succulents in last year but lost to the cold. Rehydrated the soil and set the plants up for what I hoped was success for propagation and re-establishment of the one with roots. Drank two glasses of milk… oh hey, Dannie has gotten out!