My Journey to The Grocery Store.

I decided if I didn't think too much about it maybe it wouldn't be as challenging,  that's what I'm told so often "You think too much." I quickly, with as little thought as to why I was doing it as I could manage, got ready for the day and put Dannie outside.

Then I decided to make a point of deviating from my typical pattern and parked so I could walk by the garden display out front. I watched as I neared and listened as I passed. One of the workers, who was watering the plants, suddenly exclaimed in surprise! She excitedly called out to the other worker that there was a big toad in the plants, and that made me smile. She called him "a big boy toad".

Inside there were two carts littered with the leaves of succulents and my Master Gardener brain reminded me that each of those leaves was a  potential plant... then my mind had a small battle..."is it stealing? You have terrible luck with succulents...."

The conflict was cut short when an older man came in and started to take one of the carts, my eyes fell on a plant dangling through the grid of his cart, it had roots. Before I knew it I was moving, saying "Excuse me a moment..." I reached in and scooped up the valiant little guy. The older gentleman stopped the cart apologizing,  dropping his pen from his shopping list into the cart, "Oh I'm so sorry! Did I take your cart?" He was so unaware of the plants I don't think he saw what I was reaching for. I'm not sure what I said to console him, but I handed him his pen after securing the foundling Baron Bold. 

I turned to the other cart and scooped out a mostly intake Moonstone and was securing them in my shopping bag (yes, I brought my own bag) when an employee stopped the poor gentleman again and quickly removed the rest of the leaf debris from his cart. 

I moved into the store and was instantly caught.  The flower department is directly to the right of the door and the pull was strong!  Directly to the left the path is blocked by a display  forcing you forward and right. I veered  as far left as I could and found myself engaged with the poor, clearly nervous, young employee that was tasked with standing by a table strewn with brochures about the store's delivery services. I asked the questions that were clearly answered by the signage next to them, just to hear the relief in their voice that this was something they knew and did not dread facing. After accepting the brochure I continued and found myself safely past the flowers, including the marked down orchids where I had to firmly remind myself I had only 20$ and I could eat or give an orchid a home, but I couldn't do both.

It was about then I realized I was talking to myself outloud.

Closing my mouth and smiling, I targeted in on the bakery. 

The ever-going thoughts ran down the differences between the bread aisle and the bakery, the differences in the definition of the items on each and I decided I did indeed want bread from the bakery. A loaf of wheat and half-loaf of cranberry chocolate artesian later I was exiting the bakery into the produce section. I was determined to go slow and look at people. Really look at them. It strikes me as odd how I was trained in observation and was once skilled, and now I suffer from a type of face blindness. I think it is one of those Trauma Imposed things, cuz “stress does strange things to the mind.” I want to see if I can start seeing people again. 

I’m not sure if there was an identifiable trigger, as my counselors are often asking me to look for so I might learn and grow. One moment I was doing what every average person in that store was doing, I was going about my task and looking at the people and products. I was somewhere in the meat department when I felt the Panic.  Suddenly, I was bombarded with the knowledge I was unprepared for this trip to the store: I did not have a list, I had not looked at my coupons… digital or physical, I did not have a meal plan, I didn't know where the peanut butter was!

I quickly pulled into a side aisle to address myself. Looking at me you would see nothing more than a woman frowning at her phone, “Never Show Weakness.” I’m becoming less and less good at this. I noted recently there has been an increase in the number of times a day people inquire if I am okay. Aside from those thoughts, which I pushed aside so I could deal with the Moment, I opened the store app and looked up peanut butter so I would not be Lost, calculated the cost of what was in my cart, and recalled I was only getting milk, peanut butter, bread and chocolate… the necessities. Everything else, including coupons and money savings, could take a back seat until I was out of the store and back to My Den, which is what I call my room.

I reset my Hunt, decided people could Fade again and set out. I recall being called some sort of sugary thing more then once… honey, sugar, sweety…and saying ‘excuse me’ several more times as I wove through the store. I found peanut butter was one aisle over from where I had sought refuge and talked myself out of a bag of chocolate chips in favor of peanut M&M’s… I wish they’d make dark chocolate covered peanut M&M’s. Soon I was free from the store and met the eyes of each person I passed as I went to my car. 

 I had the keys in my hand as soon as I left the store and returned the cart, opting to carry my small load, a gallon of milk in each hand, and bags over my shoulder. I feel a bit hypocritical for wondering what on earth could get the driver of a lifted truck a handicapped parking tag, watching to see the man who descended unaided and alone from the chest high truck after he had made sure the tag was hanging from his mirror. I noted the two older men talking next to the one of the pickups that I had parked between. I heard the words they were saying to each other, but they did not stick as I loaded my grocery bag, two gallons of milk, and purse into the car.

I had loaded the grocery bag carefully so as to not damage the poor beaten plants any farther than they had already endured. My next focus was going to be returning home, greeting Dannie, putting away my newly acquired supplies, and rehoming the succulents. Making little notes to myself, that I am prone to forgetting anyway, as I went… like needing to water all the outside potted plants, the wellhouse needed solar panels, who does that truck belong to? Ect.

At home I found a pot I had had succulents in last year but lost to the cold. Rehydrated the soil and set the plants up for what I hoped was success for propagation and re-establishment of the one with roots. Drank two glasses of milk… oh hey, Dannie has gotten out! 

What a terrible time for a Muse to hit!

I have no idea why this became so important right now, because I am currently in a Lord of the Rings Marathon with my Gaming Group online, but I have been hit with what finally seems to be the appropriate way to introduce myself to People.

"Hello, I'm a Licensed Massage Therapist, Master Gardener, Beekeeper, & Muse.  I went through a lot of bad shit, so my brain is broken. I'm sure you'll hear me talk about it sometimes."

Alright, I got that thought out... time to go back to the Marathon. 

We might touch on this again.

We might not.

Moon Ramblings: Part the Second

Tonight the Full Moon is in Taurus, it's the Beaver Moon, and there will be a 3 hour long Lunar Eclipse! Dannie and I had just returned from a walk in the moonlight, and Orion is hanging just below the Moon and above the tree line.  He kinda looked like he was reclining, if I think back on it. As we came home from the walk I thought about all the moonlight magic I know. 

I decided to do an abundance spell, as the moon is in Taurus and that is about Finances. Technically, as it's the Full Moon, and Full moons are about Releasing, it's a Moon for Releasing Financial Blocks. As you can tell, this could get complicated.  I chuckled at the Level of Complex things could be and how I tended to shake it down to its bare bones. I never was a big ceremony kind of gal. I tend to simple gestures and intentions. 

I'm probably lazy. Or it's like the lyrics of a Mountain Goats song  "And God is present in the sweeping gesture

But the devil is in the details"

I settled on doing a simple spell involving a wine glass, water, coins, and the Full Moonlight. I also brought out my box of stones and crystals, and lastly, sage. I set my intentions, greeted the moon, cleansed the area and all the items I had brought with me with the sage smoke. I love the smell of burning sage. I like the smell of most burning herbs and woods, maybe it's the Fire Sign in me.

I've been working with the phases of the moon lately, so as I had started shaping the idea of what I planned to do when I got home from my walk I realized that this spell had an aspect to it I was having trouble following. There is a point where you move your hands over the glass of water, as if gathering in the coins of light from the moonlight. Symbolically it is a very visible and pretty imagery.  Logically my mind started picking it apart.

As we walked,  it struck me how the Full moon is the peak of the Energy Increase and then it begins to Recede. If I was working for on a money spell I needed to check the energy flow and match the intentions to the correct points. Meaning all the aspects of this spell that are of the gathering energy need to be done before the full moon. 

I did this part right when we got home from our walk. Then I set an alarm to see if I would be able to come up with a way to honor/celebrate/experience the Lunar Eclipse. I do like the color the moon turns. It is a very powerful experience and so beautiful and rare. I did not wake up.

Now that that was completed I get to start thinking about how to Release my Financial Blockages.  I need to hit the books! Recently a friend sent me a really cute kit called "How to turn your Ex- Boyfriend into a Toad Kit. " This will be my first stop.

Moon Ramblings: Part the First

We took a walk in the moonlight.

I don't have any pictures for this walk to share. 

Yesterday I hit my head just as I got to work. It happened  to be just a perfect Wack! to trigger my post concussion syndrome. This lead to me not really leaving the house today as I rested so by this evening Dannie and I were a little stir crazy.  Happily about 8:30 pm I felt well enough I thought we should go for a walk and test it out. 

It turned out to be a wonderful walk! 

The air is cold enough most of the humans were inside. The moon is reaching fullness and there will be an eclipse later tonight! As we started the walk you could hear some coyotes in the distance, probably up by the cemetery, howl to each other and the herd protection dogs warning them off. We made our way by moonlight.

Fairly quickly into the walk I noticed that Dannie was on pretty high alert, I slowed down to see what he was doing. I'll admit I had gotten distracted by my own thoughts and amusements on the pattern of the moonshadows that spilled across the road in our path made, so I hadn't been as responsive as was usual. Watching him I realized that it had been awhile since we had taken a moonlight walk, so everything was new again. We made our way slowly up the street letting him re-explore the familiar surroundings with all it's new smells and appearance. 

Then he stopped dead in the road and stared into the dark of the fenced in forested field next to us. This was an alert that requires me to stop and assess our surroundings, because he was telling me someone was there. Someone he was unfriendly with. If Dannie could talk he may have said something like, "Mom, I'm not sure able this, but if you want me to kill it I will."

It took my eyes a moment to pick out the shape that had him concerned. And a longer moment to determine what I was seeing. There were two horses laying down near the corner of the fence, I believe my youngest would call it 'Loafing'. They both were watching us. Dannie was once startled by a horse when he was a very little puppy resulting in him developing the terrible habit of barking at any horse he saw as if it was a threat. I had slowly introduce him to horses that live near us, but it had not seemed successful in the past. 

This time he had not barked. I thanked the moonlight for making everything look just strange enough that he may not have immediately recognised them and barked, as usual. I rewarded him with praise and then, not thinking anything of it, told the horses to have a good evening and started to move on.

Of course this particular horse has good manners, so upon being addressed he stood and approached the fence, in case I wished to engage in a longer conversation, which clearly must be the case, because Dannie had stopped walking again once the horse stood up. Not wanting to be rude, I did stop and  continue to address the horse. Explaining to him how Dannie had been startled once and was unsure of horses in general and it wasn't anything particular against him. I also awarded Dannie a treat and many words of praise for not barking at the horse. After what appeared to be a long enough pause to converse and not appear rude we continued on our walk.

This lead us past a part where the woods come right up the the road on both sides. I always expect an ambush hear. It is where I saw a coyotes run across the road and also tracks that everyone says couldn't be a crocodile, while clearly being a crocodile's tracks. Tonight something larger than an armadillo was in the woods to the right.  I thought it was being too loud to be a coyote, so making a werewolf, wild hog, or deer seemed likely.  Dannie was more concerned that there were horses behind us and maybe turning our backs wasn't the greatest idea.

Whatever was to the right decided to shadow us instead of moving farther away from the road and that's when Dannie's head whipped around. It was down wind from us, so it had taken its moving through branches to get Dannie to stop worrying about the possible ninja horse attack and pay attention to other things. We kept moving down the road. Dannie had excitement in every fiber now. He only sniffed at a fist sized rock he probably would normally ask if he could take home. He did wonderful all the way to the corner where the herd protection dogs, already on high alert told us to take our moonlight stroll in another direction.

We were having a great walk. Before we reached the ambush site I noticed you could see the moonlight reflecting off an old car that was almost completely obscured by the the overgrowth that came right up to the fence... And then we heard something moving through the area, again. As it was on the opposite side of the road I thought maybe whatever had shadowed us before had crossed the road and was going to shadow us again or maybe the horses had moved down to see what we were doing. We continued on with me praising Dannie when he was doing the right things and Dannie not barking but stopping and following other commands when given. 

Why it didn't bother me that I didn't know what the large creature was shadowing us was or what it's intentions were, I don't know. Cuz honestly, I was just really enjoying the night and everything about it. As we went I became aware that there was still the original one  to the right of the road and now the one on the left, it was about then that I saw that both of the horses were on their feet, watching us walk down the road. Soooo... I guess it wasn't them following us. 

Nope, I still don't know what they were. My flashlight decided it didn't work at the one point that I tried to bring more light to the area. I did decide I would like the low light vision eyesight of the various metahuman types and that I was going to go home and do some moonlight work.

So that was fun.

Dannie is chasing a mouse, so I have to stop the story.

Bee Reflections : Returning

I was clearly putting off checking my bees. I started to consider it. I also started to prepare for our next meeting. Smoker pellets were ordered. the Hive observed from a distance a couple of times to gauge their activity.  You know, just about anything I could do without actually going into the hive. I have an absurdly high level of avoidance skill. Hell, I'm writing this post so I don't obsess over my barren financial status 

Then, as I was leaving mom's house, I noted two bees that were absolutely hungry for the hummingbird feeder nectar. I watched those bees for a moment. They were brighter yellow and shiner then the bees in my memory. I began to wonder if I was so far removed from my bees that I didn't recognize them.

I suited up gathered my things, put Dannie on his ripline, and went forth to tend the hive. My intention was to do a deep check of the hive and put the entrance reducer on in preparation for winter. I wanted to check the brood boards and be sure they had stores and if any egg laying was going on. I had had a fear that their new queen had died or was not a good queen as the hive appeared to be struggling.

I did not make it quite that far. 

I practiced lighting the fire pellets and stood near the hive. I let the smoke trickle into the hive and I listened to the response of the bees. I listened to my body too and at my accelerated heart rate. I calmed myself using one of the grounding practices from therapy of all things. It is also useful for mindfulness. Observing my senses and body nonjudgmentally. 

While my brain is doing all these important things, I judge that the flow of bees in and out of the hive paused. All the girls are safely cleared from the entrance, I tried to move smoothly and swiftly sliding the doorway restrictor piece into place. I  could hear and feel the sudden shift of the hum from the hive.  I moved the logical brain to non-judgmentally observe, while continuing to fit the piece into place. It feels firm but it wont slide all the way flush. Deciding I will need to lift the hive box and really jostle things about to get the piece in flush. I hesitate to do so. I'm not ready to get them upset. I continue to inspect the outside of the hive and watch for a bit while the girls.  I brush spiderwebs off and just look it over.

At one point as I inspected the outside of the hive, I turned towards the hive front to see a small loose cloud of bees all hovering, watching me. I watch them back. For a moment we are just observing each other. Curious. Content. Controlled. 

I realize I am looking at a band of warriors that are not yet sure of my intentions. It then occurs to me that not a single member of this hive will have been worked directly from me alone. I think over my relationship with this new Queen and her small nation. We have barely met. I decide that is enough. I explain to the bees as I move back to observe the hive entrance that it will help them defend the hive better and keep the temperature more stable as it gets colder.

I watch hunters returning with pouches full of light colored pollen land heavily and stroll through the opening. I see one bee come forward and turning around set herself in a stance with her end in the air, little clawed feet holding the board firmly and  begin fanning her wings. I think she is fanning the scent of the queen out of the smaller entrance to help guide the new arrivals in past the smell of the smoke.

With some reluctance I remove myself from the hive and return my equipment to its proper storage. I am glad we ended out interaction of a positive or neutral note.  I have made a point to stop by the bees and talk to them so that when I next put on my suit and check them we will both be Curious, Content, and Controlled. It seems like a nice place to start from.

Bee Reflection

I read a comment on one of my facebook groups this morning that had me reflecting on my relationship with my hive. I have noticed in my life that the state of my plants and animals reflects the state of my life. I am almost never aware of that actual state until I look back, far after whatever the current disaster is.

*Random-how lonely is it to know all men love you because of the goddess within you*

Part of healing seems to be learning how to direct that disaster the way one learns to light backfires. So I started the think on the state of my hive and what its reflection on Me is. So, let's start in the middle and jump sidewise. 

I need to check my hive. Yet, somehow I can't seem to bring myself to do it. 

I'm afraid of what I might find. 

You see, my hives were a gift from my dad after I earn a citizen scientist title. I was taking my Master gardener classes at the time. I have always been a little scared of my hives. I've been stung before and it was traumatic. Which I actually forgot about consciously until this moment. Which might explain a lot about my relationship with my hive and now is giving me an idea on how to approach my hive this time.

My beekeeping experience has not been gentle or so I thought. I was stung over 20 times in my first season. Each time after I could look back and pin point my mistake. I'm an intuitive massage therapist and I've been really focusing on what the intuitive part means and how it works so I can use it better. This has lead me to a great deal  of exploring the various aspects of the Mind Body connection. 

This past few moons I decided to apply that same intuitive approach to my Master Gardeners and Beekeeping. And Mom. Oddly, I haven't managed to apply my intuitiveness to the Dannie training. Probably because when I do, we get distracted and end up doing things other than training. 

So back to my hives. We suffered a traumatic loss in that the hive swarmed or split and I have not been in the hive in a positive manner since that has happened. I remember gearing up and getting ready for my last session with the hive. I remember thinking I needed to learn how to use my smoker before I got back in the hive. That the hive was not thriving and I did not know why. I would need to dig deeper next time and for that I would need my smoker. Which I do not seem to be able to keep lit I should know how to do this.

Once I hit that point it became an excuse to not go back and take care of my hive. To just let them live or die while decide if I'm going to plan to keep two hives or just one because I now can bring a hive to JokerB's yard if I keep it. Before I commit to two hives i need to be sure I did what I could for my first hive. so with that in mind I started to turn back to connecting with my bees. the first thing was learning such a thing as bee shamans exists and that there is an official organization as of such. I am not going to approach my bees with their philosophy, I will listen first to my own. I have yet to learn much about them but just knowing they existed made me look back at my Master Gardener connection and try to approach it on the physical level with a more My Philosophy  approach. So in that Spirit I am getting off the computer and going to trim some roses in hopes of rootlings. I'll be trying to Listen to my senses as I do, and mayhaps, my next reflection shall be on what I saw there.

Fairy Godmother?

Have you ever looked around at the wreck that surrounds you and thought, "Wow, no wonder my fairy godmother hasn't showed up." And so you set about cleaning?

It struck me today as I swept my rooms that I can recall many times in my past where I begged the Universe to send me a rescue, like a miracle or Fairy Godmother, any number of the Heroes and Helpers that are scattered about all the stories we are raised on. At first I became sad thinking how I'd been disregarded, if not ignored. For no dramatic characters ever appeared to sweep away all the turama.

I blame Frankenstein for that. He is such a whiner! Every one of his actions and moods is always someone else's fault. I've been listening to Mary Shelley's audiobook, so I may be a bit under that monster's influence.

It slowly dawned on me, as Dannie assisted me in my endeavors to sweep up the floor and put away his toys, all my Helpers have been subtle. People willing to give me a reliable transportation so I could go to classes and even as far as conveying me over the mountains and back safely so I could accomplish goals that would benefit us. People who left a tip, slide an extra treat in the grocery order, didn't comment on the tear marks, guided me when I couldn't make a coherent sound, anonymously left entire feasts or holidays on my doorstep... So many Helpers.

No glitter, lights, dramatic musical numbers, or transformations. Just slow steady support. 

And that is MAGIC.

Okay, I'm getting emotional so I'll stop.

I cherish each glimpse of Fairy Godmothers, Heroes, and Helpers I have experienced.